Afraid of love

I protected myself well over the years.  On occasion, I still do it, but nothing like I used to.  It wasn’t that I was afraid to give love — that was easy for me to do.  I was afraid to accept it.  Where it should have been, it wasn’t.  When it was given, it was taken away.  It never seemed to be consistent and there were no rules it seemed to follow.  Then, I met Mike and although it made me afraid, I also knew after six months that I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life.  He is and always will be my true love.  Together, we have three wonderful sons who I fell in love with the moment they were born.  I have given my love to my sisters as I have watched them grow up into wonderful women of their own accord, and now they are wives and mothers.  I adore them greatly and miss them every day.  However, I did not allow others to get that close to me.  Even women that I was friendly with and saw over many years, they never got past the walls. But then, someone new came into my life and I was afraid to let her love me.  It was difficult for her to understand at first, but then she did.  The person did not have the familial ties and could choose to stay or leave at any moment.  I had kept others like her at bay and a safe distance away because of previous experiences with others that may have made me afraid of love.  As much as I was happy to have her, I was also afraid to have her.  I was torn and rode that fence for a long time.  I even tried to get her to leave, actually giving her permission to leave, and expected her to do what I asked.  But, she didn’t.  She broke down the barriers that have stood their ground for a very long time and ultimately, I realized that her choosing to stay or go was not a choice she should have to make.  It was one I had to make.  When she wouldn’t go away after a year and a half, I finally caved.  I stopped trying to push her love away and allowed her to be where she will always live…in my heart.  I do not see her or talk to her very much anymore, but when I called her the other day, I loved hearing her voice.  Even the smile that came with it.  I found myself grinning all day, but I couldn’t really tell you why.  How many of you are afraid to let others love you?  I know it’s scary and you are unsure.  I’ve been there.  It may not always work out the way you want it to, but if you love…truly love…then it will always work out.  Giving your love away is easier than allowing it to come your way.  Open the doors and let it come.  The fear subsides and disappears when love rules your heart.  And you find yourself grinning all day, and you don’t know why.

Michelle Homme 2012 ©

 

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