I was thinking that if you give an apology and you are unsure if it has been accepted, can you accept the apology you must give yourself? Can you move forward without knowing if the apology given has been accepted before you can accept the apology you must give yourself? If you forgive yourself before the other person has forgiven you, is that wrong? Does any of this even make sense? Do the words, “I forgive you” need to be said and heard or do you just assume that if things are moving along as if nothing happened that things are ok? I am asking because I do not have the answers to these questions and I have been asking myself these same questions after hurting someone I care for very much. I have apologized but do not know if it was accepted. I am unsure if I have been forgiven. Part of me is not sure how to proceed. Another side has seen “normalness”, but I am not sure that it is because all has been forgotten and we are moving forward or just putting things to the side so we don’t deal with them. That is easy to do and I get that. I find it easier to forgive others than to forgive myself and have been beating myself up since I realized that I had hurt that someone else. I did not mean to, but it happened and I cannot take it back. I know that now. I want things to go back to the way they were and will keep working on trying to make amends. I understand it may take time and am willing to wait. But what do I do in the meantime? I am not sure. I have never been very good at forgiving myself for failing to succeed at something or making a mistake that was witnessed by others. I just hope I am given a second chance to make things right. This quiet torture is something I must bear alone and am confident will make me better. But while I wait, I still wonder….
Michelle Homme 2011 ©