This should be one of my many daily mantras. God knows I need to tell myself this a lot. Everyday. Let me set this up for you so you get the full picture. Have you ever felt like you were picked last to play kickball when you were a kid? Now, regardless of whether or not you WERE picked last, did you FEEL like you were picked last? And not just one time….like all the time? So guess what happens? You begin to feel like you are last and deserve to be last. You are not worthy of more because if you were, then you would be picked somewhere before last. Someone should have noticed you and decided that you should not be last – at least not last all the time. Maybe not first, but not last. You become conditioned to that position and do nothing to bring more attention to yourself that being picked last doesn’t already bring. You accept your role for what it is and even when you try hard to change your status, everything remains the same. Then, PUMA! (see previous blog). You show up to play, knowing your fate as it has been the same for so long, and you get picked first. FIRST! You think it is some joke that people are playing on you and you doubt and you question. Oh, and do you question. You question everything you thought everything was before this moment. Why you? Why now? What is going on? Lots of questions and yet no one seems to be able to give you an answer that makes sense to you. So you keep asking the same questions, hoping that someone else will have an answer some time. But the answers you are looking for never come. Here is the thing…they never will. You looking for them never is a guarantee that you will find them. You search for that which cannot ever be found because you seek something that is outside of who you are. You are you. This weekend, I received a text that included a message from someone who I have maybe spent six hours with total. How can someone who hardly knows me know what kind of “character” I have? Is it only because of the way I am depicted to her by a mutual friend that defines who I am in her eyes? I figured that I needed to spend more time with LR so that I can convince her that I am not worthy of the accolades that are coming my way. I actually told the mutual friend that she needed to stop lying to LR about me so LR’s opinion of me would be more of what I think it should be. That I should be chosen last. And so I question…how can this be? And since I had accepted my “unworthiness” for the majority of my life, it is very difficult for me not to question. But I have to be open. Be open to what draws people to this blog…be open to new people and their perspectives…and allow that what I bring to the table to be enough. Even when I am not even sure of what that is on any given day. You cannot prejudge someone new because of the way you have been treated in the past. You have to let them choose. LET THEM CHOOSE! They have the right to have their own opinions and thoughts about what great qualities you have and you have to belive that they are true. Yes, I need to work on this too. Every day. Surrender to what life has in store for you…when you show up and just play. It is not where you were picked to play, it is that you were picked to play. Bring your “A” game. You were chosen for a reason. That is the only answer you will ever need.
Michelle Homme 2011 ©