Making sense of it all

It is so hard to process information and try to determine what it all means. Especially when life keeps happening all around you, which ironically reminds us that we are here. I reached out to two more friends from that Bunko group from years past after seeing them at lunch this past week. I texted them both to them that I hoped we could get together and have lunch soon. I am hoping for next week. In some ways, I feel like I have come full circle, yet still not at the end. I know that sounds goofy, but when you get to a point where it seems to make sense of why you lived the way you did and now are at a different point in your life, then it seems to make sense. So many times, people over the the last year have said that I am not the same Michelle I was back then and they are so right. This Michelle is SOOOOO much better. I know I laugh more at myself and am happy. I feel joy in my heart and am genuine when giving my love to others and a hug to someone who needs it as they mourn someone they lost. Making sense of life does not mean that I have all of the answers – actually, I am learning something new every day. Probably the biggest lesson I have learned over this year is that I can do more, give more, and be more than I ever let myself be in the past. I learned that I do not have to be afraid all of the time and not every situation will turn out badly. I had an escape plan in those unfamiliar situations, just in case things started to go bad in a hurry, with one foot out of the door. I know I did that every day with Rock. It was extremely difficult to be completely and honestly engaged when I was ready to run. As I said in a previous blog, I am not afraid any more. I have committed to this life like never before and continue to be amazed at how much is returned to me as I give so much of me away. Without hesitation, without worry, without expectations. I understand more than I ever thought I would. I don’t care what others think when I am letting the world see more of me. I told my mom yesterday that after almost 43 years, the world is getting all of me. I held on to something for so long, and in reality I just needed to let it go, but I was scared. Fear ruled my life. Living my life now – wide open and fulling alive – makes sense to me. And yet I am not sure that I could explain it to someone else. But I will keep trying so that their life makes sense to them. Enjoy your weekend – hope it is spring where you are as new life becomes renewed after a long winter hibernation.

Michelle Homme 2011 ©

 

 

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