It is so hard to process information and try to determine what it all means. Especially when life keeps happening all around you, which ironically reminds us that we are here. I reached out to two more friends from that Bunko group from years past after seeing them at lunch this past week. I texted them both to them that I hoped we could get together and have lunch soon. I am hoping for next week. In some ways, I feel like I have come full circle, yet still not at the end. I know that sounds goofy, but when you get to a point where it seems to make sense of why you lived the way you did and now are at a different point in your life, then it seems to make sense. So many times, people over the the last year have said that I am not the same Michelle I was back then and they are so right. This Michelle is SOOOOO much better. I know I laugh more at myself and am happy. I feel joy in my heart and am genuine when giving my love to others and a hug to someone who needs it as they mourn someone they lost. Making sense of life does not mean that I have all of the answers – actually, I am learning something new every day. Probably the biggest lesson I have learned over this year is that I can do more, give more, and be more than I ever let myself be in the past. I learned that I do not have to be afraid all of the time and not every situation will turn out badly. I had an escape plan in those unfamiliar situations, just in case things started to go bad in a hurry, with one foot out of the door. I know I did that every day with Rock. It was extremely difficult to be completely and honestly engaged when I was ready to run. As I said in a previous blog, I am not afraid any more. I have committed to this life like never before and continue to be amazed at how much is returned to me as I give so much of me away. Without hesitation, without worry, without expectations. I understand more than I ever thought I would. I don’t care what others think when I am letting the world see more of me. I told my mom yesterday that after almost 43 years, the world is getting all of me. I held on to something for so long, and in reality I just needed to let it go, but I was scared. Fear ruled my life. Living my life now – wide open and fulling alive – makes sense to me. And yet I am not sure that I could explain it to someone else. But I will keep trying so that their life makes sense to them. Enjoy your weekend – hope it is spring where you are as new life becomes renewed after a long winter hibernation.
Michelle Homme 2011 ©