Retreat or stay

I could not sleep last night. I am encountering a new frontier and at my age it is something I have not had in almost 42 years. As I look deep into my soul, I realize that I have never really had great, close friends. Sure, I am friendly with people, but do not let a lot of people see the real me. I care deeply for those around me whether they are co-workers, neighbors,etc. I try to remember important things in their lives to show that I care. My belief is that if you care about someone and something is important in their life, then the something must be important to you. By great friends, I mean really spend time together outside of your normal interactions of work, kids’ school, etc. This means going to lunch, shopping, playing golf, going on vacations, sharing your dreams, your frustrations, etc. I have never done that with anyone other than my husband and it more than terrifies me. I probably over think the easiest of things and I know why. I just have to fix it because I want to fix it. I went shopping with a friend yesterday and we had a terrific time and enjoyed lunch as well. I cannot tell you the last time I did that. After I got home, I was very unfocused. I had things to do and all the time in the world to do them. I took a nap and did a lot of nothing, but my brain was still turned on. One half of my brain kept telling me to retreat – back away from this friendship before it goes anywhere. Almost immediately, another voice told me to stay because I have run away too many times in the past and I did not want to continue to do that for the rest of my life. Because if I run, I am not being who I want to be – I am being who I was and I know I am different now. It is not fair to this friend who has been caring, honest, and giving and I really do enjoy our time together. For as little of time that we have known each other, it feels like we have been friends forever. I have to be willing to let her in and take the wall down. I read my mission statement everyday because it reminds me of where I came from, where I am now, and where I so want to be. I have a saying in my office that I wrote, “Do what’s right, not what’s easy because doing what’s right is never what’s easy.” It would be easy to retreat – but I know I have to stay because that is what is right.

Michelle Homme 2010 ©