I know I have not written in a good week or so. Lots going on, but just have not had time to sit and write. I started reading another book, in my spare time, that is very insightful. A friend is having a tough week and hence that is why I am up at 4:15am typing this. I would have gotten up at 4:45am anyway. I have been very logical (like Spock) most of my life. My head ruled every decision I made – which was done after each possible solution and consequence was evaluated. I know, it was boring, but this way there was also nothing left to chance. I could control my surroundings and keep my distance. This process, this journey, and especially these last few days, my heart has been coming to the surface more and more. I allowed myself to be vulnerable in front of a friend – I am never vulnerable, not even in front of my husband. He would not know how to respond unless it was something he understood (like a death). The one time I was upset because of nice words expressed by our son are a perfect example. This wonderful woman knows how difficult it was for me. Us women need to let out our emotions and laugh if we need to…hug if we need to…cry if we need to. I probably have not had tears come to my eyes really since March. Even those were short-lived. Now, the words of a song that has significance can bring the tears. The one that does it now is, “Will you Remember me?” by Sarah Mclachlan. We get caught up in doing what is expected of us because we think about what needs to get done and how much people are relying on us, etc. Sometimes, we have to “Let the River Run” by Carly Simon. We have to let the “heart rule the brain” and really FEEL. Hearing someone tell you that they are proud of you and that they believe in you will bring the waterworks as well. We need to not try to plan out every detail – follow our hearts and our brains will come along also.
Michelle Homme 2010 ©